Very. Thank you and goodnight.
No, wait, come back, we’re not done yet. So, England were quite naff, or to elaborate: ‘Wayne Rooney had a poor first touch’ or ‘Frank Lampard barely moved for 90 minutes’ or even ‘Emile Heskey is an inexpressibly bad pile of ‘footballing’ poop-poop’. Heck, even Aaron Lennon looked terrible and he’s like, really, really good and definitely not totally confused as to what the hell he’s meant to do in an England shirt. I’ll give you a clue Aaron, RUN WITH THE BALL AND PUT IN CROSSES! Etc. If he tries one more back-heel flick I’ll personally fly to South Africa and rip off his ruddy heel with my teeth.
Moving on. So, England were bad, we can all see that. So, time to fix it. It just takes these ‘simple steps’, which I’m inventively dubbing:
- Some tips on playing creative, really attractive passing, penetrative, lovely, amazing, yay!
Or, STOP-CRAP-PLAY! See what I did there? Ingenious. If only England were as good as football as I am at word play. No?
Look, I found it! Emile Heskey celebrating a goal. That he scored. Himself. Proof.
Tip number 1: Pass it. That’s right. Pass it. And what’s more, pass it to feet. I know this might sound somewhat bewildering to a team with a midfield containing some of the best passers of the ball in world football (and Aaron Lennon), but it really is simple. England failed to keep the ball for prolonged periods against both the USA and Algeria, this was partly due to long punts straight at Emile Heskey’s face (always and error) but also due to crap positioning. Against Algeria, Gerrard seemed to think that he could wonder whether he liked and Lampard was under the impression he didn’t actually need to do anything. And consequentially stood around looking mildly perplexed.
Tip number 2: Run! Yes, that’s right. Run. Shocking. Before Algeria-gate (such a disaster it surely deserves a ‘gate’ suffix) one could always depend on England to run around like a load of infinitely more gifted Robbie Savages, to chase everything to play with the ferocity and determination of a randy lion on steroids. Against Algeria…everyone seemed to think the answer was to jog. This is not good. No sir.
Tip number 3: Stop playing Emile Heskey. Dear Emile has been tat in the biggest games for quite some time now. During qualifying he was pretty good against teams like Belarus and…erm…Kazahkstan…but at the World Cup, in that pressure-cooker noise-bowl, Heskey is a liability and an excuse for poor football. England wasted so much possession bonking the ball very hard and very high in the vague vicinity of dear Emile. This almost always resulted in the ball being lost and me staring up at the ceiling and cursing.
Tip number 4: Play five in midfield. 4-4-2 isn’t really clever enough for international football, nor does it get the best out of England’s players. No matter what anyone says, Gerrard on the left-wing is a liability. He was good against the USA, because he was playing in central midfield. He was poor against Algeria (and always out of position) because, shockingly, he isn’t a left winger. Dork. A 4-5-1 not only allows Gerrard to play central, it also dumps Heskey back on the bench, which is a bonus. Gerrard is a force to be reckoned with when you take the ‘shackles off’. This is his time, he is captain of England and he’s being played out of position in a team that seemingly doesn’t quite know what to do.
Shaun Wright Phillips, evidentally not fit to wear the shirt.
Tip number 5: Joe Cole. Why call him up if you’re not going to play him? Hmm? Madness. Shaun Wright-Phillips has somehow managed to swindle himself nearly ninety minutes of pitch time this World Cup. Joe Cole has…erm…none. This is inexcusable. SWP is a hideous player; he has one trick, pick up the ball, run straight at a defender and believe that your odds of beating him are 50/50. The odds are nowhere near that good. Joe Cole has two good feet, great technique, is intelligent, retains possession and looks really creepy thanks to his ‘need more sleep please’ eyes. And looking creepy is always a bonus, just ask Germany’s Mesut Özil.
And if none of that works, then just get knocked out so I can start properly supporting Dirk Kuyt. I mean the Netherlands. Ruddy football.
