RIP 4-4-2: Benitez was right, right?

The World Cup proves it. It really does. For well over four seasons Rafa Benitez persisted with the tactic of playing 4-2-3-1 and everyone kicked him for it. ‘Too defensive’ they crowed, ‘players don’t know their roles’, they bleeted.

Well, these sheep-birds can all go and take a walk. The one thing everyone (seemingly) agrees about the 2010 World Cup is that 4-2-3-1 is the way to go. As a result of this formation bombshell, one of the biggest talking points that will surround football for the coming months is…which formation is best?

People have been coming out saying that 4-4-2 is the formation of the past, that it is too rigid, too easy to break, too easy to pass through, too blah. Step forward the dynamic formation that allows full-backs to push on, the whole team to be protected by two holding players, thus allowing an attacking six (striker, three attacking midfielders and then the full-backs) to torment and pull about the opposition defence. And with the right personnel…it works rather well.

And sometimes it takes a game like the World Cup Final for everyone to go ‘oh yeah…’

Have Spain finally put the nail in the 4-4-2 coffin?

Spain were bleeding good. And not just because they kept the ball (stupidly well) but because of the formation they played. It is the formation the Dutch played, the formation the Germans played and the formation the Brazilians played. And now it will be the formation that any team that aspires to succeed must play. At least I feel that will be the case at the very highest level.

England refused to adopt it, so did the Italians and the Argentinians – heck, apparently they didn’t really need a ‘formation’ (or a right back), they could just play the bestest players in the world!!! and win. Wrong.

Which makes Benitez right. Right? Wrong. Well, sort of. Admittedly I spent many a match last season rolling my eyes at Liverpool only playing one up front against Stoke, Wolves, et al., and this is an issue for teams like Liverpool. Perhaps the Premier League with its multitude of opponents and ability to get held to 0-0 draws requires a more gung-ho approach.

Indeed, Spain needed extra time to win the final and all their knock-out matches finished 1-0 (in fact, they only won one game by more than a single goal…against Honduras). Fine margins, no matter how well you play.

So where does that leave us? Well, in difficulty. I think it is fair to say that at the highest echelons of football 4-4-2 is dead. But against the ‘weaker teams’, well maybe there’s a calling for 4-1-3-2? Does a ‘great’ team playing a ‘rubbish’ team need two holding players? I’d argue rather strongly they don’t. But then, and this was something Benitez always struggled with, how do you manage two formations being interchanged all the time? Especially when you’re a fastidious bearded Spaniard.

Whatever the solution, there is a definite sense that football can and will change and the tactics of the game, in this time of über-analysis and über-attention to detail, will need to smarten up a bit. RIP 4-4-2.

Enough England woe for Jermain Defoe?

Is there ever? Really?! Well, apparently there is, as rumours this morning seem to be suggesting that the little fella will be starting up front for England’s hilariously important game against Slovenia.

Despite his and Wayne Rooney’s strike partnership being tantamount to a bizarre at arms length piece of folk dancing between two people who despise each other, this is what England will rely on to progress. But, as shown before, it doesn’t work. So it’ll be interesting to see if it does in the biggest game England have player under Capello. No pressure then.

Jermain Defoe, a genuine threat to inflatable defenders.

So if England do start Defoe, what does that do to the team? Well, we’re likely still stuck in the land of 4-4-2, which is a bit awkward as it looks all too clunky and Steven Gerrard is wasted on the left, but what it does give England is that magic thing, goal threat.

Even if Defoe is just a ‘very good’ Premier League striker (not world class, not even close), he still promises goals most of the time he plays. He’s got a very tasty finish on him (when his confidence is high) and he’s got pace and movement that should easily get the collective Slovenian knickers in a twist. Hopefully.

The diminutive Tottenham forward played alongside Rooney in a 4-4-2 formation at England’s final training session yesterday as Capello attempted to jostle his pack into a team that can score the goals needed to progress; a healthy win should see England top the group.

Now, topping the group might not sound like a good idea (Germany could finish second in Group D, this would be very bad news as then England would lose on penalties in the round of 16), but it does put England in the ‘nice’ half of the draw (we stay away from the Spanish).

But can England beat Slovenia? Can they lift the veil of mediocrity that has plagued them for 180 minutes of World Cup football thus far? Can they play like a ruddy team? One player, at least, seems to understand the magnitude of this ‘destiny match’. Step up Mr. Steven Gerrard:

“It was clear to see we weren’t aggressive enough [...] We didn’t play to our strengths. We didn’t press high enough. We didn’t win the ball back when we lost possession. We didn’t run enough. I don’t think we made any big mistakes. We kept a clean sheet and didn’t lose the game. We did OK up until the final third, but then we didn’t have the cutting edge to break that team down. We need to get that tomorrow.”

For me, ‘didn’t have the cutting edge’ is the equivalent of saying ‘unfortunately Emile Heskey was up-front’. Ah dear Emile, with all the striking prowess of a broken toaster. The issue being, that Defoe might not work much better. Capello doesn’t tend to start him with Rooney, and when he does it doesn’t work too well.

Defoe has become the substitute of choice, and he has a decent goal scoring record coming off the bench. The issue here is that Capello clearly sees him as a sub-par Wayne Rooney. And Capello also favours playing ‘different’ strikers (little and large), so how does he get that into his system?

There are a lot of questions to answered, a lot of players who simply must put in a performance, and a team that urgently needs to gel. Ever the optimist, I’m going to go for a 3-0 England win.

One thing is certain, an early goal in this game is going to be key or the nerves of every player in that England team are going to start shredding. England expects.

How bad were England?

Very. Thank you and goodnight.

No, wait, come back, we’re not done yet. So, England were quite naff, or to elaborate: ‘Wayne Rooney had a poor first touch’ or ‘Frank Lampard barely moved for 90 minutes’ or even ‘Emile Heskey is an inexpressibly bad pile of ‘footballing’ poop-poop’. Heck, even Aaron Lennon looked terrible and he’s like, really, really good and definitely not totally confused as to what the hell he’s meant to do in an England shirt. I’ll give you a clue Aaron, RUN WITH THE BALL AND PUT IN CROSSES! Etc. If he tries one more back-heel flick I’ll personally fly to South Africa and rip off his ruddy heel with my teeth.

Moving on. So, England were bad, we can all see that. So, time to fix it. It just takes these ‘simple steps’, which I’m inventively dubbing:

• Some tips on playing creative, really attractive passing, penetrative, lovely, amazing, yay!

Or, STOP-CRAP-PLAY! See what I did there? Ingenious. If only England were as good as football as I am at word play. No?

Look, I found it! Emile Heskey celebrating a goal. That he scored. Himself. Proof.

Tip number 1: Pass it. That’s right. Pass it. And what’s more, pass it to feet. I know this might sound somewhat bewildering to a team with a midfield containing some of the best passers of the ball in world football (and Aaron Lennon), but it really is simple. England failed to keep the ball for prolonged periods against both the USA and Algeria, this was partly due to long punts straight at Emile Heskey’s face (always and error) but also due to crap positioning. Against Algeria, Gerrard seemed to think that he could wonder whether he liked and Lampard was under the impression he didn’t actually need to do anything. And consequentially stood around looking mildly perplexed.

Tip number 2: Run! Yes, that’s right. Run. Shocking. Before Algeria-gate (such a disaster it surely deserves a ‘gate’ suffix) one could always depend on England to run around like a load of infinitely more gifted Robbie Savages, to chase everything to play with the ferocity and determination of a randy lion on steroids. Against Algeria…everyone seemed to think the answer was to jog. This is not good. No sir.

Tip number 3: Stop playing Emile Heskey. Dear Emile has been tat in the biggest games for quite some time now. During qualifying he was pretty good against teams like Belarus and…erm…Kazahkstan…but at the World Cup, in that pressure-cooker noise-bowl, Heskey is a liability and an excuse for poor football. England wasted so much possession bonking the ball very hard and very high in the vague vicinity of dear Emile. This almost always resulted in the ball being lost and me staring up at the ceiling and cursing.

Tip number 4: Play five in midfield. 4-4-2 isn’t really clever enough for international football, nor does it get the best out of England’s players. No matter what anyone says, Gerrard on the left-wing is a liability. He was good against the USA, because he was playing in central midfield. He was poor against Algeria (and always out of position) because, shockingly, he isn’t a left winger. Dork. A 4-5-1 not only allows Gerrard to play central, it also dumps Heskey back on the bench, which is a bonus. Gerrard is a force to be reckoned with when you take the ‘shackles off’. This is his time, he is captain of England and he’s being played out of position in a team that seemingly doesn’t quite know what to do.

Shaun Wright Phillips, evidentally not fit to wear the shirt.

Tip number 5: Joe Cole. Why call him up if you’re not going to play him? Hmm? Madness. Shaun Wright-Phillips has somehow managed to swindle himself nearly ninety minutes of pitch time this World Cup. Joe Cole has…erm…none. This is inexcusable. SWP is a hideous player; he has one trick, pick up the ball, run straight at a defender and believe that your odds of beating him are 50/50. The odds are nowhere near that good. Joe Cole has two good feet, great technique, is intelligent, retains possession and looks really creepy thanks to his ‘need more sleep please’ eyes. And looking creepy is always a bonus, just ask Germany’s Mesut Özil.

And if none of that works, then just get knocked out so I can start properly supporting Dirk Kuyt. I mean the Netherlands. Ruddy football.

A dirty World Cup?

HORN! Ah, the incessant vuvuzela-ing, will it never let up? Well, apparently not. And with Germany finally suggesting that goals can indeed be scored, hopefully the on-field action can start making a bit more noise. But how to beat the noise of the horns? Well, take this advice from Lucky Madonsela, a South African Airways check-in agent at Johannesburg’s Oliver Tambo airport. He greets passengers with a blast from his vuvuzela, bless him. Here’s what he has to say:

The best way to avoid the noise is to have your own vuvuzela [...] While you’re blowing you can’t hear the noise.

There you go then. More horns = less noise. Somehow that allegedly works. Other alternatives include (a) kindly asking anyone with a vuvuzela to let you ‘have a honk’ before snapping it over your knee (b) simply shoot yourself in the ears (painful, a bit excessive) or (c) hitting anyone honking too much in the vuvuzela hole…or finally, (d) if you’re watching on TV hit mute and not only kill the noise of the vuvuzela, also kill the noise of ITV’s oft-idiotic commentary. Bonus.

So, we’ve just finished day three, eight matches in, and the first thing that strikes me (apart from the chronic lack of goals and quality in some matches) is…the number of red cards. Three matches today, and three red cards. In eight matches we’ve seen FOUR red cards; that’s 50% of matches with dismissals. How about that for a stat, maths fans?

So, is the World Cup filled with dirty little blighters who should be taking a long hard look at themselves and their hideous ways? Short answer: no. Long answer, read on for picture related analysis…

Red Card the First (France v Uruguay):

Dynamic work from the ref, look at the poise, the determination. Just brilliant.

Nicolas Lodeiro, a second half substitute for Uruguay, is sent off for a second bookable offence, just 18 minutes after coming onto the pitch. First offence: kicking the ball away. A very, very harsh decision as he sort of just knocks it back to let the free-kick be taken. Very trigger-happy refereeing from the official. The second card however, was rather less debatable as he totally pole-axed an unsuspecting Bacary Sagna.

Referee red card wielding flair: Legs together, eyes straight forward and a determined thrust of the card skyward. The player knows he must immediately leave the pitch, and he does so. Top marks to the official on style and commitment to the carding. 7/10.

Red Card the Second (Algeria v Slovenia):

Clearly displaying the eyes of an axe-murderer, this referee isn't taking any rubbish. GET OFF MY PITCH, he seems to say.

Algeria get their own second half sub sent off as Abdelkader Ghezzal is sent off in the 73rd minute. His offence? Deliberate hand-ball. Really deliberate hand ball. In fact, one of the most deliberate hand balls you’re ever likely to see; full on flying through the air like Superman in order to launch an arm at the ball which is miles away from any other part of his body. Error. His first offence was a hefty challenge which was probably a yellow. So, fair enough.

Referee red card wielding flair: The classic sulky/dismissive ‘get off my pitch you cheating git’ carding. Barely bothering to hold the card aloft, like some sort of piss-poor offering, the referee hardly looks at the player. This action of quickly taking out the card, wafting it upwards with vague conviction before re-pocketing and walking off is pretty much perfect carding. The player is left with no option but to walk away, downcast, well carded. Textbook. 8/10.

Red Card the Third (Serbia v Ghana):

Serbia are reduced to ten, a somewhat bedraggled referee holds aloft the red card. Little conviction in the wielding of the card. An average performance.

Serbia go down to ten as defender Aleksander Lukovic is dismissed after 74 minutes. Again, for a second yellow card. Well done to Lukovic though, as he is the first non-second half substitute to be sent off. A pub quiz question of the future no doubt. All pretty fair, not much to complain about here.

Referee red card wielding flair: Poor effort from the official. Fumbling for the card then looking in a confused and irritated manner in no specific direction and lofting the card at nobody in particular. A listless and one-dimensional effort. Ignored protestations from player belligerently, +1 point. 4/10.

Red Card the Fourth (Germany v Australia):

YES THAT IS A RED CARD, DON'T PULL THAT FACE. The slicked-back hair and staunch determination are key to the 'humour' factor in this somewhat suspect decision. Tim Cahill's World Cup is possibly over already. Whoops.

Dear sweet Tim Cahill was sent off in the second half for a challenge on Lord Bastian of Schweinsteiger. A straight red this time, the first of the tournament. Was it an X-Rated hell-hole of a challenge that should be shoved into the deep dark recesses of football forever more? No. In fact, it was pretty much what Stoke do every week…and don’t get a yellow for. The unfortunate bit was it looked pretty bad in super-slow motion (super slow motion being the replay of choice at this World Cup…for everything, even David Beckham disapprovingly raising an eye-brow). Schweinsteiger’s efficient German ankle somewhat buckles under the half-hearted force of Cahill’s slide. Oh, and Tim’s World Cup is now pretty much over…unless Australia somehow escape ‘the group of mild despair and pain’.

Referee red card wielding flair: Well, this was a straight out red card, which is rather exciting. Good points for comical decision making which leads to the very determined thrusting of the red card in the face of a dumbfounded Aussie. The judgemental gaze towards Cahill as he opens his mouth, utterly aghast at what has come to pass, is a nice touch. This air of ‘authority’ however is undermined by the below-par nature of the decision. Top marks for hairstyle and stance, the classic ‘pencil’ whilst giving the dismissal is exceptional (feet and legs shoulder-width apart, arm arrow-like above the head), but major points must be docked for being an idiot. 6/10.

To conclude, whilst it hasn’t been a dirty World Cup (noisy…yes, at times boring…yes, but not dirty) it hasn’t really been a badly refereed one either. The decision to disallow Carlos Vela’s goal (Mexico v South Africa) was an inspired one (clap clap clap), and whilst a little card happy at times (stand up ref for England v USA and Germany v Australia) the standard has been excellent. No horror tackles really, just very strict, very consistent officiating and some hot-headed idiocy from the occasional player.

Now, more quality…please.

What will/won’t happen at the 2010 FIFA World Cup

The World Cup is just a few hours away (as I write this, one ‘sleep’ away, in fact), and this is all tremendously exciting. So, let’s have a little bit of fun, shall we? Below is a list of things that either seemingly always happen, are unlikely to happen, very likely to happen or would be amusing if they did happen. Yes, that’s right this will be a list of inevitability/cliché/prediction/hilarity; I bring you:

What Won’t Will Happen at the 2010 FIFA World Cup

So close, you can almost smell/taste/molest it

1. South Africa will win a game

They might not have a shedload of household names – Pienaar (because he plays for Everton and is bleeding excellent), Aaron Moekoena (SA captain, formally of Blackburn, currently at Pompey), Kagisho Dikgacoi (looks lovely sitting on the Fulham bench, had a good Confederations Cup) and…well, for me that’s pretty much it. But one thing South Africa will have is a whole lot of noise, a whole lot of passion and more pride than you can swing a vuvuzela at. I’d say that SA winning a game would be a genuine shock, their group is pretty tough (France, Uruguay, Mexico)…but, well, point one sort of leads on to point two…

2. France to utterly self-destruct

Apparently the French don’t even like the French national team. And you can sort of see why. They hand-balled their way to the finals, have a coach with a penchant for the insane and a team that seemingly doesn’t get on very well. And William Gallas. Of course, this whole ‘conundrum’ could go either way, as the French are either utterly shocking or irritatingly brilliant. Or maybe they’ll ‘do an Italy’ from 2006 and be crap until everyone realises too late they’ve snuck through and they win the sodding thing. But I don’t think that will happen. There’s always the odd ‘cup-set’ and, well, maybe, just maybe, this will be it. After all, it has happened before…

Rory Fallon...actually doing something

3. A really awful player to do something really awfully good and dine out on it…forever

Like Jamie Carragher belting in a late winner from 30 yards. Or North Korea scoring a goal against Brazil…or scoring a goal in any match. Who could forget the ruddy massive Papa Bouba Diop scoring the winner against France in 2002…and then two more against bleeding Uruguay in a sensational 3-3 draw? Or, and this one probably takes it for me (seeing as he was on the tele recently talking about it) John Collins scoring against Brazil as Scotland lost 2-1. Classic. Imagine, oh…I dunno, John Pantsil smacking one in for Ghana. Or just tapping one in. Anything. Ridiculous stuff.

4. A terrible team to knock out Italy

It might well have taken some dubious refereeing, some trailer-trash finishing and some inspired South Korean-ness, but it has happened rather recently. Admittedly South Korea were far from terrible and were managed by ‘Magic Gus’, but come on…Italy. They’re…well, they’re Italy and they won the fricking 2006 World Cup with pretty much the same squad (but four years older…and worser). It beggars belief, but can anyone say ‘New Zealand’? I can. Not that I think they’ll beat the Italians, but ‘New Zealand’ is fun to say. Still, imagine this gem of a commentary from some verbose wind-bag like Jonathan Pearce:

We’re into stoppage time here and somehow it remains Italy 1 – 1 New Zealand. A goal for New Zealand now would see the Italians crash out in the group stages and see New Zealand through as group runners up. In comes the corner…there’s a scramble in the box, the Italians can’t get it away…the ball has cannoned off De Rossi…and…RORY FALLON. THAT’S IN! RORY FALLON HAS SCORED FOR NEW ZEALAND! From Plymouth to South Africa, the League 2 player has done it. Sensational. But…oh my word, its been disallowed, the lines-man has his flag up. New Zealand haven’t noticed. Heartbreak for them, but the goal won’t stand.

Etc. Amazing/stupid things like that are what the World Cup is all about; daring to believe that something utterly bonkers is possible. And maybe, just maybe, it could happen. In  some crazy alternate universe of New Zealand being able to score a goal. Impossible…?

4. Someone will sign someone off the back of the World Cup, BIG error

Step up Salif Diao, El Hadji Diouf (admittedly signed before the World Cup, but still) anyone who signed a South Korean off the back of 2002, I could bother to remember more, but you get the idea. It always seems to happen. Someone has a punt at a pile of trash with one of the following characteristics:

African powerhouse (if midfielder/defender) or ‘firecracker’ (if striker) who has lots of strength and that worrying x-factor that is ‘raw potential’ and will add an exciting ‘new edge’ to the squad. Beware fans of Blackburn/Stoke/Newcastle.

Milan Javanovic: a pre-emptive signing of 'technically excellent' Eastern-European

Eastern-European with ‘great technique. Apparently it is a shock to everyone in fair old England that people from ‘the East’ (of Europe) can kick a football at all…let alone well. And they are always ‘technically excellent’ (count how many times a commentator says this about Serbia, or Slovenia or Slovakia). They’re all…TECHNICALLY EXCELLENT. No kidding. And someone will be lured in by a ‘technically’ excellent Serb (Tottenham love wasting money on such players), but I’m going to have a pop and say Sunderland sign some Serbian/Slovenian/Slovakian prodigy child off the back of a couple of good touches and a sort of all-right back-heel. Handy!

South American flair-master. You can’t be South American and not have flair. Just ask Lucio. He’s huge and a defender and he still tries to do people rather than clear the ball. Wigan seem to like random Honduran/South-Central American players, so expect them to dip their toes in the waters and go for some abysmal flair-machine.

5. England to lose on penalties/because someone gets sent off/because of a disallowed goal/because of ‘Johnny Foreigner’/because of Argentina/because the opposition cheated/because of fluke or luck/because England aren’t good enough/all lead to death threats to someone/national day of mourning and mild racism.

There’s always a good chance of it, and were I not English I’d probably quite enjoy sitting around waiting for it to happen. Penalty misses (too many to mention), sendings off (Beckham, Rooney), disallowed goals (Sol Campbell v Portugal at Euro 2004) Argentina (‘hand of god’, Beckham having a little kick-kick), alleged cheating opposition (too many to mention), fluke (Ronaldinho’s free-kick shot/not-shot), England not being good enough (seemingly always)…death threats (Beckham, Urs Meier – ref v Portugal, Ronaldo for ‘wink-gate’). Ah the joys of being overly ‘largerd up’ with a sense of injustice thumping through your veins.

6. Someone really good to get really badly injured, ruin teams chances

They’re already dropping like flies (Ballack, Essien, Nani, Ferdinand, Pirlo, maybe Drogba…many others too boring to list) and it surely won’t let up just yet. Some team will be absolutely flying and then a seriously massive key player will get sliced down by a seriously rubbish opposition player with a taste for blood and all hell will break loose. Imagine the chaos, imagine the drama and just hope it isn’t your team it happens to.

So there we go, some random ‘predictions’ for the World Cup…which after writing all that is now even closer. I’ll be blogging vivaciously throughout the tournament on various odds and sods as they occur…who knows, maybe even some of the above. So, until then, enjoy all the action!

Oh, and the following is my World Cup Fantasy team for a little mini-league I’m taking part in. Alas I didn’t pick Gekas, but I did get in Hamsik, so all is well:

GK: Stekelenburg (Netherlands)

DF: Zambrotta (Italy)
DF: King (England)
DF: Heitinga (Netherlands)
DF: Bastos (Brazil)

MF: Sneijder (Netherlands)
MF: De Rossi (Italy)
MF: Iniesta (Spain)
MF: J Cole (England)

CF: Luis Fabiano (Brazil)
CF: Huntelaar (Netherlands)

Subs:
GK: Sorensen (Denmark)
DF: Onyewu (USA)
MF: Hamsik (Slovakia)
CF: Tevez (Argentina)

England’s Final 2010 FIFA World Cup Squad

Not on the plane: speedy Theo failed to impress Capello.

Shocker! Theo Walcott, the footballing equivalent of a moth smacking into a light-bulb, has been booted out the England squad. As you can perhaps tell by my tone, it doesn’t come as the biggest surprise ever. Anyone that watched Walcott against either Mexico or Japan, or during most matches for Arsenal this season, will be able to attest that he’s had a shocker.

For all the pace in the world, Walcott can’t beat a man on the wing and doesn’t seem to have a single trick. Even Japan could defend against him and they were so bad they prevented England from scoring yet still managed to lose 2-1. Poor.

Now, I was going to rant on about Shaun Wright Phillips being pap and Steven Gerrard being wasted out wide and Aaron Lennon being useless on the left wing, but everyone else seems to be doing that and it becomes boring. So, how about this:

First up, breaking news, Joe Cole is left footed. And what a left foot…

Did you see that? Against Man United and everything. Nice.

Now for five cold, hard, arousing facts:

1. Joe Cole: sort of two footed, not a winger
2. Steven Gerrard: right footed, not a winger
3. Shaun Wright Phillips: right footed, winger
4. Aaron Lennon: right footed, winger
5. James Milner: right footed, not a winger, allegedly can kick a football with his left.

So who the fudge do England play on the left? Stephen Warnock?! Yes, of course. Phew.

Having no left footers doesn’t give a team the right sort of balance; just ask any Liverpool fans. Yossi Benayoun does not a good left-midfielder make. And England have an even more disastrous problem; Brazil are considerably better than Wigan. All these problems with the dreaded notion of ‘team shape’ start flashing red when you put them up against the best of the best; they’ll work you out if you have a weakness.

And it doesn’t stop with having wrongly-footed players. Add in that England only have one striker who is going to make the opposition go ‘oh balls, he’s rather good’ (Wayne Rooney) and then the motley crew of: ‘what the hell is that?’ (Peter Crouch), ‘did he score against Denmark once or something?’ (Emile Heskey) and Jermaine Defoe (alas, no joke found, I’ll get back to you).

Capello is going to be smacking a lot of right footed pegs into left footed holes, and it probably won’t be a pleasant process for onlookers. All a bit familiar really. Rewind four years, we had Sexy Sven with one good striker, no left winger, not knowing what to do with Gerrard and Lampard in the middle, not knowing who to start in goal and with worryingly average players if anyone in the first XI broke a metatarsal. Worrying.

So, what’s there to be happy about? Well, nobody is going to get pissed off about not getting picked. Whereas Argentina have to pick maybe two from: Tevez/Messi/Milito/Higuain/Aguero, all Capello has to deal with is Emile Heskey being turgidly rubbish yet somehow still good. LOOK AT ALL THE SPACE HE CREATES FOR OTHER PLAYERS! So exciting.

Joe Cole, as inevitable as Emile Heskey...but actually good.

And nobody is going to get dropped because Raymond Domenech is crazy, a very real prospect facing the surely terrified France squad. Who’s he going to pick?! Nobody knows! Crazy Raymond. But for me the clincher is the manager; at the end of it all, Capello is rather bleeding good, and he has the track record to prove it. What’s perhaps most interesting, is Capello’s decision to totally go back on one of his key mantras of only picking players on form who are regularly playing for their clubs and at full fitness.

Step up Rio Ferdinand (back problem), Ledley King (knackered knee, can’t train properly), Gareth Barry (crocked), Michael Carrick (lost place to Scholes at United, not in form), Joe Cole (been on Chelsea bench for most of season), Shaun Wright Phillips (spent a lot of season with bum on bench), Emile Heskey (barely played, barely good).

The grim reality? Capello needs to pick the players he trusts, the ones he feels can do a job for him. Joe Cole is hugely experienced and an excellent player; that he can’t get into the Chelsea team is irrelevant to Capello. The dearth of quality beyond the 23 Capello has picked (and some might argue a dearth of quality within it) requires him to pick those named above…simply put, there’s nobody else to do the job.

In Terry, Ferdinand, Ashley Cole, Lampard, Gerrard, Heskey (whoops) and Rooney, England have six of the very best players in the world on their day and in Capello they might well have the best man manager and tactician at the World Cup. I’ll lock my patriotism/bias up in a box for a little while now and leave you to have fun constructing a starting XI out of this merry bunch:

Goalkeepers: Rob Green, David James, Joe Hart.
Defenders: Rio Ferdinand, Ashley Cole, Glen Johnson, John Terry, Jamie Carragher, Stephen Warnock, Matthew Upson, Ledley King.
Midfielders: Gareth Barry, Michael Carrick, Joe Cole, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Aaron Lennon, James Milner, Shaun Wright-Phillips.
Strikers: Wayne Rooney, Emile Heskey, Jermain Defoe, Peter Crouch.

Oh, and one final thing to finish. David James has been talking about the Jabulani (FIFA World Cup ball), fast becoming the pantomime villain of choice during the arid, speculative days leading up to the big kick-off. Aside from calling it ‘interesting’, ‘dreadful’ and ‘horrible’ (twice) he went on to say:

There are undoubtedly going to be some goals scored in this tournament which in previous tournaments with different balls wouldn’t have been scored. It’ll allow some people to score extra goals, but leave some  goalkeepers looking daft. We’ve been doing shooting practice every day, and I’ve been standing behind the goals watching the ball, so at least we’ll be prepared.

The 2010 FIFA World Cup Ball: Ball-derdash

See this?! Worst. Ball. Ever. Fact. Even Julio Cesar says so.

Balls! Lots of them. There’s always a bit of hoo-har/tutting when the World Cup ball gets into the hands of the players. FIFA always show it off as some super-sexy state of the art piece of science, but in reality…it is a ball, that must be kicked. Somewhat predictably then, the 2010 FIFA World Cup ball is…the worst ball ever. Fact.

The Jabulani (which means ‘to celebrate’ in Zulu) has come under fire from, rather unsurprisingly, goalkeepers. Even Joe Hart thinks it’s pap and he’s probably been sitting on his arse watching Emile Heskey and Darren Bent miss sitters in second string England training. What’s somewhat widdling on the raging flames of discontent…is this: the very same ball, with slightly different colours and called the Jabulani Angola…was used (go on, have a guess) at the African Cup of Nations.

Now, the African Cup of Nations always, whatever the ball is like, is full of wonder-goals and terrible goalkeeping. That’s just how African football works. Not to be cruel, but name one good African goalkeeper. Go on, do it. Did someone say Ghana’s Richard Kingson -  currently at Wigan, formally of Birmingham? No, he’s awful. Moving on…

Now, whilst the ball itself was unveiled back in December, it is only now that it is sort of coming to prominence. Those with memories will be able to think back to the 2006 World Cup where every keeper near a microphone whined like a pissed off tabby cat about how it moved too much and was like a beach ball and was impossible to catch.

Thing is…it sort of was a bit of a beast, swerving this way and that before bolting it into the top corner (Germany showed this rather well, as – rather memorably – did Maxi Rodriguez). But then there was Frank Lampard who took up the role of ‘spank-a-lot’ by sending the ball sailing in every direction but the goal as he farted the beach ball around left right and centre. Nightmare.

But this ball, Frank rather likes; he’s even quoted in the official press release. Awesome!

Frank Lampard remarked: “It’s a very strong ball, true to hit.” While on the receiving end of one of Lampard’s strikes goalkeeper Petr Cech said “You can feel the energy coming towards you, like a shot.”

Well, hopefully Frank is right. But why is Petr Cech amazed that a shot feels like…a shot? A shot, after all, is a shot and thus should feel like it. Unless he means ‘like being shot’, in which case we could be seeing quite a bit of injury time and dead goalkeepers. But I digress. Elsewhere, the press release tells us that the ball comprises of ‘eight thermally bonded 3D panels’ (oooh…) and, the clincher, a ‘grip’n’groove texture, which allows for maximum control, stable flight and perfect grip under all conditions.’ Unless…

…You’re a world-class goalkeeper, like Gianluigi Buffon or Iker Cassilas, or an incompetent flappy turnip like Julio Cesar. Cassilas has dubbed the ball ‘appalling’, Buffon laid further scorn on the sphere of doom, saying that ‘it is very sad that a competition so important as the world championship will be played with such a horrible ball.’

Julio Cesar, despite being pretty damn rubbish, has provided perhaps the best insight, labelling the Jabulani a ‘supermarket ball’. And, as anyone who has picked up a cheap-as-chips ball from a corner shop or likewise will attest, they’re not really that good…and tend to get confusing when it is windy…and they bounce an almost ungodly amount. Even Joe Hart is peeved, moaning that the ‘balls have been doing anything but staying in my gloves.’ And if Joe Hart is having problems, oh dear…

It doesn’t bode too well, but I’m sure they’ll all shut up and get on with it. I’ll even start a little sweepstake; I bet the ball is blamed for about…six goals at the World Cup. There you have it. In black and white. And even if it is the lightest, roundest, most super-special laboratory developed ball in the history of football ever…it is still just a ball. Those who are best at kicking it will do well, and those who are best at saving it will save it. A perfectly level playing field that everyone will have to learn to deal with.

And if it involves thirty yard screamers every ten minutes and pulsating 5-3 scorelines all over the place…then who cares. Sure, it might shoot my nerves to bits, but at least it’ll be fun. So don’t moan and complain; join me and embrace FIFA’s crazy beach ball of doom. Okay?

Next time: I shall be complaining about Fabio Capello’s final 23 for the World Cup and crying if he goes to la-la land and picks the footballing anti-christ that is Darren Bent.

World Cup Fantasy Football: Hidden Gems

I once did rather well in a Premier League Fantasy league…since then I’ve somewhat neglected the world of swearing at my computer when it forces me to pick Glen Whelan because I can’t resist picking Torres and Rooney and Lampard…and Gerrard. Bleeding budget. So I guess that makes me the Man City of the fantasy scene. But aren’t we all? Nobody picks ruddy Kevin Doyle because he works hard and scores a goal every six games…they pick Torres because he’s sex with feet.

And so we enter the dilemma that is:

The World Cup Fantasy Football League

So important it needs underlining and putting in a really big font. Yeah…

But what makes a good fantasy team, and how do you avoid putting rubbish players in? Well, you could be dull and pick a sensible team of good solid players so you have ‘good’ players in every position. This would be rather foolish. This ‘erring on the side of caution’ could leave you with the fantasy equivalent of Everton…which nobody would like. So, blow all your budget on the best players:

Cassillas
Maicon Cole Evra
Xavi Kaka Gerrard Messi
Rooney Fabiano Torres

Subs: Buffon, Puyol, Lampard, Ronaldo, Villa.

Blimey. But no fantasy league worth its salt would let you pick that squad. No sir. So, how does one pick the ‘perfect’ fantasy team? Time to look at some ‘obscure’ choices.

Nobody likes Greece, probably not even the Greeks. They irritated all of Europe in winning Euro 2004 by way of ‘Basinas with the free-kick, Charisteas heads it in’. Goal. Moan. Well, now the Greeks have a striker who is even better than the somewhat odd looking Charisteas.

The Greek goal machine.

Theofanis Gekas (Striker)
He scored 10 goals in European World Cup qualifying (more than anyone else, like Torres…who scored 0, zilch, nadda, none, sod all) and is in a group with Nigeria (who I’m presuming still can’t defend), South Korea (who I’m presuming won’t enjoy the Greek’s agricultural style of ‘aerial assault football’) and Argentina (with their super-awesome four centre backs system). And, rather importantly, he’s dirt cheap. Almost a certain substitute for any fantasy manager.

Marek Hamšík (Central/Attacking Midfielder)
At just 22 years of age, Hamšík is already the captain of the Slovak national team and a key player for Serie A high-flyers Napoli (finished sixth), having scored 12 goals for them this season which saw them qualify for the Europa League. He’s a key player in the Slovak team and is nearly always involved in play in the final third, so lots of potential for assists and goals. And in most leagues, he’s a decent bargain. Factor in a potentially weak group of New Zealand, Paraguay and Italy and you have a pretty decent midfield option that might make it into the knock-out rounds.

Andreas Guardado (Winger)
Mexico are always worth watching at a World Cup; technically excellent, full of flair, verve, midgets. Andreas Guardado (who is very good on Football Manager) is actually starting to become rather good in real life, and he’s pretty good value. Mexico are always good for a goal or two and Guardado is pretty nailed on to be a part of the fun. He’s also been in good form for Deportivo La Coruña. Get him in.

Booth and friends lining up for SA.

Matthew Booth (Defender) He’s 6ft 6in tall, as subtle as a large mallet and was pretty impressive at the Confederations Cup, although he does get confused when the ball isn’t in the air. When it is though, he’s a beast. I’m not actually saying he’ll be worth picking, but to be honest I’m at a bit of a loss for who to suggest and he is criminally cheap. Or accurately priced. Still, it’d be nice for people to pick a South African player, even if they probably won’t win (m)any games. So, pick Booth and be happy.

Or pick up Giorgio Chiellini who’s good and pretty cheap in a lot of leagues…and Italy never concede. Fact.

So, there you go, some players you really should consider in your Fantasy Team; thus allowing you to pick up big names elsewhere and not go over budget. Simple.

England: 442/352/41212/451?

Don't expect to see much of the good old fashioned 'all out attack' 3-4-3 from Capello. No sir.

I was going to write a long rambling post about how irritating Gareth Barry’s apparent absence might be, instead, here’s some footballing maths…well, sort of.

But first up, a quick match report on the Mexico game:

England 3 – 1 Mexico: Goals from King, Crouch and Glen Johnson. England show that if they happen to meet team without an ageing/rubbish West Ham striker up-front and a 5ft 7inch keeper, they’ll probably lose. Michael Carrick shows world he is pap. Next.

442 = Michael Carrick + Milner = clueless + over-exuberant / Gerrard + Lampard = unexplainable footballing suicide + Mexican midgets run rings around it + Emile Heskey = as skilled as a steak and ale π or Crouch = slow and pointy elbows + confusing to World Cup refs = never allowed to win a header without conceding a foul in process.

352 = Croatia = defeat = Wolly with Brolly + terrifying prospect if Glen Johnson gets injured of Jamie Carragher playing attacking wing-full-back = early exit to Serbia in 1st knockout round.

41212 = clever + Capello is clever / English footballers are notoriously dumb X Steven Gerrard can be pushed forward = Scouse love with Rooney = goals / Lampard sulks when put deep = worldwide confusion as to why Lampard and Gerrard can’t play in the same midfield.

451 = no Heskey = England win the World Cup + allows fluidity to mark between lines = Giovani Dos Santos no longer made to look like a good player (=ex-Ipswich) X solid midfield = players closer to Rooney = Gerrard closer to Rooney = footballing s.e.x. ≈ nationwide football related orgasm / heartbreaking defeat to Argentina and their hilarious team of centre backs = Diego Maradonna running about naked in celebration = cocktail sticks jammed in my eyes = expensive surgery.

BUT:

All of the above with Garth Barry = apparent cohesiveness of team + more goals scored in qualification than any other European team + won all but one match = confusion from this onlooker when one sees how Sunday League Barry has been this season for Man City ≈ crack out the prayer mats and hope Capello is right and Barry’s ligaments do mend.

Well, I’m glad I’m not Mr. Manager.

Oh, and Michael Essien is out of the World Cup, so ‘the group of death’ is now without Ballack and Essien. Shame.

If we win the World Cup, I will run naked around the EL Obelisco in the centre of Buenos Aires.

The terrifying words of Diego Maradona.

Next time out, I’ll be pummelling you with stats and trivia. Bombardment.

How to win the World Cup

A bit like Lawro's Premier League Predicitions, but with the previso that England win every game. Fact.

I’m English. How unpleasant. Glad we got that out the way.

So, I’ve spent the last few hours working out how England will win the World Cup. Irritatingly, it seems to be a pretty complicated process that involves beating rather good teams. Balls. Still, how could it all pan out if my predication-o-rama comes true? NB: Random words in bold to make it a bit easier to follow.

England are in Group C, which means they play either the runner-up or the winner of Group D (one of the alleged ‘groups of unimaginable pain and death’): Germany, Australia, Serbia, Ghana.

So, if England top Group C as ‘everyone’ expects them to (and I’d suggest it is sort of likely), then they’ll play the runner-up of Group D. So, that’s going to end up being a rather good team.

Group D is stupidly close, even before a ball is kicked. Germany without Michael Ballack are like a cat without whiskers, which pulls them down a bit from their lofty position as favourites, but I’d still fancy them to shade it. Behind them, in terms of FIFA World Rankings (a pile off toss, but ah well…) Ghana (32), Australia (20) and Serbia (16). Before I thunder through the later stages, a very quick (mathematical) appraisal of each of the 2nd place contenders in Group D:

Ghana: Essien = unfit, but brilliant, John Pantsil = disaster waiting to happen, Muntari and Appiah = more midfield power. No ‘big name’ striker = problems.

Serbia: Eastern-European = well organised, lots of ‘itch-es’: Ivanovic (Chelsea), Vidic (Man United), Zoran Tosic (Man United, on-loan at Köln) Stankovic (Inter Milan), Jovanovic (en-route to Liverpool), Zigic (7 1/2 ft tall, Valencia). 2nd strongest team in group.

Australia: International equivilant of Birmingham City this season, pain in the arse to beat. Likes of Cahill, Bresciano = borderline world class/good at jumping and passing, ‘proper’ centre forwards = Josh Kennedy (Nagoya), Scott McDonald (Middlesbrough), Nikita Rukavytsya (Twente Enschede). Indeed.

Well, that was fun. So, if my prediction comes true, Serbia will come through in second, meaning England play them. And, in-keeping with them going all the way, England beat Serbia. Who next? Well, England would then play the winner of a match between the winner of Group A and the runner-up from Group B. I’m going to suggest that’ll be Uruguay (yes, Uruguay to finish above France) against Greece. Uruguay will win because Greece can’t play football.

So, England v Uruguay. England win 7-2 with Diego Forlan missing six penalties. Phew. England progress to the the semi-finals.

Imagination Land: The only place England will be winning the World Cup...perhaps.

Keeping up? No? Indeed. Meanwhile, in the other half of the draw, Netherlands have won Group E (well done them) and Paraguay were behind Italy in Group F, meaning it’ll be the Dutch winning against Paraguay to progress.

Group G should be won by Brazil, in Group H, I’m giving Chile 2nd place, so Brazil v Chile; only one winner, no? Right, Netherlands v Brazil, let’s give the Netherlands the win because Brazil have won the World Cup too many times already and Kaka is too ruddy good.

And we’re through to the semi-final, England v Netherlands on the 6th of July in Cape Town. Pop it in your calender, I’ll look like a fricking genius if this is right. All that leaves is for England to beat the Netherlands thanks to a penalty shoot-out.

So, who do England beat in the final? Quickly now…

Winner Group B (Argentina) plays runner-up Group A (France), Argentina win.
Winner Group D (Germany) plays runner up Group C (USA), USA win.

Q/Final: Argentina v USA: Argentina win.

Winner Group F (Italy) plays runner-up Group E (Cameroon), Cameroon win (why the hell not?)
Winner Group H (Spain) plays runner-up Group G (Ivory Coast), Spain win.

Q/Final: Cameroon v Spain: Spain win.

Semi Final: Argentina v Spain: Argentina win.

FINAL: ENGLAND V ARGENTINA.

Outcome?

85th minute 0-0, Emile Heskey dives in the area, England are dubiously/wrongly awarded a penalty to surely win it, Frank Lampard steps up to take it, the voice of John Motson fills pubs, living rooms and whatevers up and down the country:

“Hold on to your cups and glasses…you can smash them now, Frank Lampard has scored!”

The BBC’s John Motson re-jigs his ‘David Beckham’ line as Lampard scores in Imagination Land.

Well, I can dream, no?